What was going to be an announcement of our second baby is an announcement of our child’s passing. We had been keeping our news quiet for a bit, but I was due with our second baby this summer.
This baby was such a great surprise and blessing to us, after having tried to have another closer in age to Samuel, with no success. Though I was disappointed our first two wouldn’t be so close in age, I trusted God’s timing and knew that Samuel would be such a good big brother when baby arrived.
On January 3, we were told our baby’s heart was no longer beating, and hadn’t been for a little while. We only knew about this little life for a few weeks—just long enough to set up Samuel’s “big boy” bed, move the crib into our room, and announce our news to family. I was already starting to show a bit, and got new maternity jeans for Christmas to fit my growing body. I was so excited to be pregnant again.
Our excitement quickly turned to overwhelming grief, trying to make sense of this loss. My body did not pass the baby quickly, so I walked around feeling pregnant, but carrying our child whose soul was already with the Lord. It was such an awful time of waiting. Three days later–after inducing labour–I had a very traumatic birth experience. The doctor and nurses told me that I would have “bad cramps” and it would resemble my monthly period. I was broken, yet confident I could get through this.
On January 6, I laboured all night, unable to sleep at all through the pain. I vomited and cried, unable to speak through the pain. Contractions came just as regular as during my labour with Samuel, despite this baby being so little. I felt so lost and in so much pain–mentally & physically. And then, the labour was over and I no longer was carrying our child. I’ve never felt so empty.
The poppy is Samuel’s birth flower and would’ve been this baby’s, too. Poppies grow on graves of soldiers and symbolize both remembrance and a hope for the future. Poppies are bright spots of happiness in sad places. Our baby was a whole lot of happiness for us, even in the short time we knew of them. We have the hope for a future in Heaven someday with God, where we will be reunited with those we’ve lost. This is why we’ve chosen to name our baby Poppy Jo.
Jo means “God is gracious”, and while we are grieving, Isaac and I can say like the song, “we have lived in the goodness of God.” We know He is gracious to His people and wants the very best for our lives. Heartache and pain are not His desire for us. He has promised to dwell with us someday and to wipe every tear from our eyes. He assures us that death shall be no more, and there will be no more crying, mourning, or pain (Rev. 21:1-4). We’re thankful for His presence in our happiness + sadness. He cares.
Our little Poppy Jo is with Jesus, being held in His loving arms. My sweet brother and grandparents in heaven are able to meet our child. It’s been over a week now and we’re still so very sad, but hopeful for the future and to see our baby someday. So many people have reached out to share their own stories with us. It’s been an honour to be trusted with the stories of these precious souls that have touched our lives, and to grieve alongside friends & family who know this pain all too well.
You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in Your ledger, each ache written in Your book.” —Psalm 56:8
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